We spent eight months on dating apps with almost zero responses. Then we rewrote our profile. Within a week, we had more matches than we knew what to do with.
Here's exactly what we changed.
The Mistakes You're Probably Making
"We're a fun, adventurous couple looking for a unicorn!"
Stop. Just stop.
This sentence—or some version of it—is on 90% of couple profiles. It says nothing. It's the dating equivalent of "I like to laugh and have fun." No shit.
Worse, you used the U-word. To most experienced thirds, "unicorn" signals that you view them as a fantasy fulfillment device, not a person.
The Faceless Profile
You have photos but they're all:
- From far away
- With sunglasses
- Just body shots
- Cropped to hide faces
We get it. Discretion matters. But here's the thing: people want to see who they might be sleeping with. If you're not comfortable showing your faces, you might not be ready for this.
Compromise: Use the blur feature on apps like 3soul. Show your faces to matches only after you've chatted.
The Job Interview Listing
"Looking for: fit, bi, 25-35, no drama, must be STI tested, available weekends, okay with our rules."
This reads like a Craigslist ad from 2008. You're looking for a person, not checking boxes on a spec sheet.
What Actually Works
Lead With Who You Are, Not What You Want
Bad:
"Couple seeking third for bedroom fun."
Better:
"We're Dani (32, she/her) and Marcus (34, he/him). Together 7 years, exploring ENM for 2. She's a yoga teacher who makes terrible puns. He's an engineer who can't stop talking about Formula 1. We met at a dive bar arguing about whether pineapple belongs on pizza. (It does. Fight us.)"
See the difference? The second one has personality. It gives someone something to respond to.
Be Specific About Your Dynamic
Thirds want to know what they're walking into. Are you:
- Both equally involved, or is one of you more interested?
- Looking for ongoing connections or one-time experiences?
- Wanting someone who engages with both of you equally, or open to different dynamics?
- New to this or experienced?
Don't be vague. Clarity attracts the right people and filters out the wrong ones.
Example:
"We're looking for genuine connections, ideally ongoing. We're both attracted to women, though Dani tends to take the lead initially. We're open to whatever dynamic develops naturally—no scripts here."
Show, Don't Tell
Don't say you're "fun and laid-back." Demonstrate it.
Instead of: "We love to travel" Try: "Last month we got lost in Oaxaca trying to find a mezcaleria that turned out to be someone's living room. Best night of the trip."
Instead of: "We're respectful" Try: "Consent isn't just a buzzword for us—we check in constantly and boundaries are non-negotiable."
Address the Elephant in the Room
Singles who date couples have been burned. They've dealt with:
- Couples who ghost after one hookup
- Partners who got jealous and blamed them
- Being treated as a sex toy, not a person
- Last-minute cancellations because "we're not feeling it tonight"
Acknowledge this. Show you understand.
"We know singles often get the short end with couples. We're not interested in that dynamic. We actually want to know you—grab drinks, see if there's chemistry, and go from there. No pressure, no weird couple energy."
The Photo Strategy
Your photos matter more than you think. Here's our formula:
- One clear face photo of each of you - Individual shots, good lighting, actually smiling
- One couple photo - Shows your dynamic, ideally candid
- One lifestyle photo - You doing something you actually enjoy
- One "vibe" photo - Could be at a concert, a dinner party, traveling—something that shows your energy
Avoid:
- Gym mirror selfies (unless that's genuinely your thing)
- Photos with exes cropped out
- Only group photos where we can't tell who you are
- Anything that looks like a LinkedIn headshot
The Sexy Photo Debate
Should you include revealing photos? Depends on what you're looking for.
If you want quick hookups: Yes, but make sure they're tasteful and consensual (both partners agreed to share them).
If you want connections: Lead with personality photos, save the spicier ones for after you've matched.
On 3soul, you can set certain photos to "private" so only matches can see them. Use that feature.
Your Opening Message
You matched! Now what?
Don't send:
- "Hey"
- "Hey sexy"
- "We think you're hot"
- A copy-pasted message you send to everyone
Do send: Something that shows you actually read their profile.
"Hey [Name]! We noticed you're into rock climbing—Marcus has been trying to get me to try it for years but I'm convinced I'll fall immediately. Where do you usually go? Also, your comment about pineapple pizza being a dealbreaker made us laugh. We might have a problem. 🍕"
It's specific. It's personal. It opens a conversation.
Red Flags Thirds Look For (Avoid These)
Things that make experienced singles swipe left:
- "Discrete" spelled wrong - If you can't spell it, you might not understand it
- Only one person in all the photos - Where's the other partner? Are they even real?
- "She picks" or "He picks" - Suggests one partner controls everything
- "No single men" - Obvious but weirdly hostile
- "Looking for our first" - Not inherently bad, but signals inexperience that many want to avoid
- Empty bio - You couldn't be bothered, why should they?
The Profile We Use Now
Here's a slightly edited version of what actually works for us:
Dani & Marcus | 32 & 34 | Los Angeles
Together 7 years, open for 2. We took our time getting here—lots of conversations, a few therapy sessions, and one very honest weekend in Joshua Tree.
Her: Yoga teacher, pun enthusiast, will talk your ear off about fermentation. Currently obsessed with natural wine and pretending I'm going to learn pottery.
Him: Engineer, F1 nerd, makes a mean carbonara. Still trying to convince Dani that camping is romantic (losing battle).
What we're looking for: We want to actually know the person we're with. Chemistry over checklists. We're open to women and non-binary folks, interested in ongoing connections but not opposed to seeing where things go.
Our vibe: Dinner parties > clubs. Deep conversations > small talk. We'll probably suggest drinks first because we genuinely want to hang out, not just hook up.
Important: We communicate constantly—with each other and with you. If something feels off, we talk about it. We expect the same.
Final Thoughts
Your profile is a filter. A good one attracts people who are genuinely compatible and repels those who aren't. That's the goal.
Stop trying to appeal to everyone. Be specific. Be honest. Be yourselves.
The right person will find you. And they'll actually want to respond.
Dani & Marcus Lee have been practicing ethical non-monogamy since 2024. They live in Los Angeles and write about their experiences on 3soul's community blog.