I've been a relationship therapist for fifteen years. In the last five, I've seen more clients exploring non-monogamy than in my entire previous career combined.
Most of them come in confused. They've heard terms like "polyamory" and "open relationship" thrown around, but they're not sure what they actually mean—or which one might fit their situation.
Let's fix that.
First, What Does "Ethical" Mean Here?
The "ethical" in ethical non-monogamy isn't a moral judgment. It's a distinction.
Unethical non-monogamy: Cheating. Lying. Having relationships your partner doesn't know about or consent to.
Ethical non-monogamy: Having multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
That's it. The "ethical" part just means everyone's informed and on board.
Some people prefer the term "consensual non-monogamy" (CNM) because it's more precise. They mean the same thing.
The Main Types of ENM
1. Polyamory
What it is: Having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
Key characteristic: The emphasis is on romantic relationships, not just sex. Polyamorous people typically have emotional, loving relationships with multiple partners.
Common structures:
- Triad/Throuple: Three people all in a relationship with each other
- V or Vee: One person has two partners who aren't romantically involved with each other
- Polycule: A network of interconnected relationships (partner A dates partner B, who also dates partner C, etc.)
- Solo poly: Someone who practices polyamory but doesn't have a "primary" partner or seek traditional relationship escalation
Who it's for: People who believe they can love more than one person, want deep emotional connections with multiple partners, and are willing to put in the communication work it requires.
Challenges: Time management, jealousy, scheduling, meeting your partners' partners (metamours), explaining it to family.
2. Open Relationships
What it is: A committed couple who can have sexual (and sometimes romantic) experiences with other people.
Key characteristic: There's typically a "primary" relationship that takes priority. Outside connections are secondary.
Common rules:
- Only when traveling
- Only together (threesomes but not separate encounters)
- Don't ask, don't tell (they know it happens but don't want details)
- Full disclosure (share everything)
Who it's for: Couples who are solid in their relationship but want sexual variety or exploration. Often a middle ground between monogamy and polyamory.
Challenges: Defining boundaries, jealousy when reality hits, different comfort levels between partners.
3. Swinging
What it is: Couples engaging in sexual activities with other couples or individuals, typically in social or party settings.
Key characteristic: Usually recreational and sex-focused. Emotional connections with swing partners are often discouraged.
Common formats:
- Soft swap: Everything but penetrative sex with others
- Full swap: No restrictions
- Same room: Couples have sex in the same space
- Separate room: Couples split up
Who it's for: Couples who want sexual adventure and variety without emotional entanglement. Often more social—there's a whole community with clubs, parties, and cruises.
Challenges: Finding compatible couples, navigating the social scene, performance pressure.
4. Relationship Anarchy
What it is: Rejecting traditional relationship hierarchies entirely. All relationships—romantic, sexual, platonic—are given equal weight based on what the people involved want.
Key characteristic: No distinction between "partners" and "friends." Labels are avoided. Each relationship is defined only by the people in it.
Who it's for: People who reject societal norms about what relationships "should" look like and want maximum freedom to define their own connections.
Challenges: Explaining it to others, potential for ambiguity, requires very high communication skills.
5. Monogamish
What it is: A term coined by Dan Savage. Primarily monogamous, but with occasional exceptions.
Key characteristic: The couple identifies as mostly monogamous but allows for certain situations—maybe a threesome once a year, or a hall pass during long work trips.
Who it's for: People who value monogamy but recognize that absolute exclusivity for decades might be unrealistic.
Challenges: Slippery slope concerns, defining what "occasional" means, one partner wanting more openness over time.
How to Figure Out What's Right for You
Ask Yourself These Questions
About your feelings:
- Do you experience romantic feelings for multiple people?
- Does the idea of your partner with someone else make you curious or distressed?
- What does jealousy feel like to you, and how do you handle it?
About your desires:
- Are you looking for sexual variety, emotional connections, or both?
- Do you want to explore with your partner or independently?
- Is this something you've always felt, or a new curiosity?
About your relationship:
- How solid is your current relationship?
- How well do you and your partner communicate, especially about hard things?
- Are you both genuinely interested, or is one person convincing the other?
There are no right answers. Just honest ones.
Red Flags to Watch For
Don't open your relationship if:
- You're trying to fix a broken relationship
- One person is doing it to keep the other from leaving
- There's existing infidelity you're trying to legitimize after the fact
- You haven't actually discussed it sober, in detail, multiple times
- One person is giving in to pressure
These almost always end badly. I've seen it too many times.
Common Misconceptions
"ENM is just an excuse to cheat"
No. Cheating is about deception. ENM is about honesty. They're opposites.
"Polyamorous people can't commit"
Many polyamorous people are deeply committed to multiple partners for years or decades. Commitment isn't exclusive to monogamy.
"It only works if you don't really love your partner"
Research actually shows that polyamorous individuals report similar or higher relationship satisfaction compared to monogamous ones. Love isn't a finite resource.
"It's all about sex"
For swingers, sex is often the focus. For polyamorous folks, it's usually more about emotional connection. For others, it varies. Don't assume.
"Everyone gets jealous eventually"
Jealousy happens, but it's not inevitable or insurmountable. Many ENM practitioners experience compersion—happiness at their partner's happiness with others.
Getting Started: Practical Steps
1. Educate Yourselves
Read books:
- The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton & Janet Hardy
- More Than Two by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert (with caveats—google the controversy)
- Polysecure by Jessica Fern
- Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
Listen to podcasts, join online communities, learn from people who've been doing this.
2. Talk. Then Talk More.
Before you do anything, have extensive conversations:
- What does each of you want?
- What are your fears?
- What would hurt you? What wouldn't?
- What boundaries do you need?
- How will you handle jealousy?
- What happens if one of you wants to stop?
These conversations should happen sober, during calm times, multiple times over weeks or months.
3. Start Slow
You don't have to dive into the deep end. Maybe start with:
- Attending an ENM meetup or discussion group
- Flirting with others in low-stakes situations
- Going on dates without anything physical
- Reading erotica together
See how it feels. Check in constantly.
4. Find Your Community
Apps like 3soul are designed for this. So are local meetup groups, Discord servers, and events.
You'll learn faster from people living it than from any book.
5. Consider Therapy
A therapist who specializes in alternative relationships can be invaluable. They can help you:
- Navigate jealousy and insecurity
- Improve communication
- Process difficult emotions
- Work through unexpected feelings
I'm biased, obviously. But I've seen how much it helps.
The Bottom Line
Ethical non-monogamy isn't for everyone. Neither is monogamy. The point isn't to choose the "better" option—it's to choose the one that fits you.
Whatever you choose, the principles are the same:
- Honesty
- Consent
- Communication
- Respect
Get those right, and you're doing it ethically.
Dr. Rachel Simmons is a licensed therapist specializing in relationship dynamics and alternative relationship structures. She's been in private practice in San Francisco for 15 years and consults for 3soul on community wellness initiatives.