We had our first threesome three years ago. It was awkward, we made mistakes, and there were tears afterward (happy ones, eventually). Now we've had many more experiences, some amazing, some mediocre, and we've learned a lot.
This is the guide we wish existed when we started.
Before You Even Start Looking
Have You Actually Talked About It?
Not "mentioned it during sex." Actually talked. Sober. During the day. Multiple times.
Questions you need to answer together:
- Why do you want this? Both of you. Be honest. If one person is doing it to "save the relationship" or please the other, stop here.
- What's the fantasy? Be specific. MFF? MFM? Does it matter?
- What are you NOT okay with? This is more important than what you want.
- How will you handle jealousy? Because it will come up, even if you think it won't.
We spent six months talking before we did anything. It sounds excessive. It wasn't.
Check Your Relationship Foundation
A threesome will not fix a broken relationship. It will break it faster.
If you're dealing with:
- Trust issues
- Communication problems
- Resentment
- Mismatched libidos you haven't addressed
- Recent infidelity
Pause. Fix those first. A third person isn't a band-aid.
Finding the Right Person
The "Unicorn" Problem
Here's the uncomfortable truth: a single bisexual woman who wants to sleep with both members of a couple, expects nothing in return, and will disappear after—that's a fantasy, not a person.
Real thirds are humans with their own desires, boundaries, and expectations. Treat them that way.
What works better:
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Be open to different configurations. Maybe she's more into your partner. Maybe you connect more one-on-one first. Flexibility leads to better experiences.
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Make it about them too. What do they want? What are their boundaries? What's their ideal scenario?
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Don't use the word "unicorn." It's dehumanizing and screams "we've never done this before."
Where to Actually Look
3soul - Our top recommendation. The app is designed for this exact situation, and it treats thirds as equals, not accessories.
Feeld - Good for more casual encounters.
In person at ENM events - Slower but often leads to better connections.
What doesn't work:
- Tinder (algorithm doesn't support it, lots of judgment)
- Craigslist (dead and was always sketchy)
- Springing it on someone at a bar (don't be that couple)
What Your Profile Should Say
Good:
"We're a couple exploring ethical non-monogamy together. We're looking to meet someone we genuinely connect with—chemistry is more important than checking boxes. Happy to grab drinks first and see if there's a vibe."
Bad:
"Hot couple looking for a unicorn to join us! Must be bi, fit, and discrete. No drama!"
See the difference? One sounds like humans. One sounds like a job listing.
The Logistics Nobody Talks About
The Pre-Meeting
Always meet for drinks or coffee first. No expectations. Just vibes.
This is where you figure out:
- Do you actually like this person?
- Is the attraction mutual?
- Are there any red flags?
- Do your expectations align?
If it's not clicking, that's fine. Thank them for their time and move on.
Choosing a Location
Hotel - Neutral, no memories attached, easy cleanup, can be left. Our preference for first times.
Your place - More comfortable, but the third might feel like a guest. They might also feel trapped if things get weird.
Their place - You're now in someone else's space, harder to leave if uncomfortable.
Discuss this with your third. Let them have input.
The Awkward Beginning
Nobody knows how to start a threesome. That's normal.
What's worked for us:
- Have a drink first (not too many)
- Start with conversation, let it naturally get flirtier
- Begin with low-pressure touching—a hand on a knee, a closer seat on the couch
- Someone will eventually make the first move. If it's not happening, just... ask. "Can I kiss you?"
What doesn't work:
- Standing there awkwardly waiting for "it" to start
- Immediately getting naked
- Having a "script" you're trying to follow
During: What We Learned
Communication Is Everything
Check in. Constantly. With everyone.
Phrases we use:
- "Is this okay?"
- "Do you like this?"
- "I want to [action]—are you into that?"
- "I need a water break" (code for: let's pause and check in)
Yes, it "interrupts the mood." Who cares. Consent is ongoing.
Managing Attention
This is the hardest part. Someone will inevitably feel left out at some point.
Strategies:
- Rotate focus - Don't just do everything together. Take turns being the center of attention.
- Maintain physical contact - Even if you're focused on one person, a hand on your partner's thigh reminds them they're there.
- Make eye contact - With both people. It sounds obvious but you'd be surprised.
- Verbal inclusion - "You're so hot watching this" or "Come here, I want you too."
Our rule: nobody goes more than a few minutes without some form of contact or acknowledgment.
When Something Goes Wrong
And something will. Anatomy doesn't cooperate. Someone loses the mood. A position doesn't work. Someone says a wrong name.
How to handle it:
- Laugh. Seriously. Sex is inherently kind of ridiculous. If you can't laugh about it, you're doing it wrong.
- Pause. It's okay to stop, get water, talk for a minute.
- Pivot. If something's not working, try something else.
- Stop. If anyone's not feeling it, the whole thing stops. No pressure, no guilt.
After: The Part Everyone Forgets
Immediate Aftercare
Don't just get dressed and leave. That's jarring for everyone.
What we do:
- Lie together for a bit, chat casually
- Get snacks/water (always have these ready)
- Express genuine appreciation for the experience
- Make sure everyone has a ride home or is okay
The Check-In (You + Partner)
Within 24 hours, you need to talk. Just the two of you.
Questions:
- How are you feeling?
- What did you enjoy?
- Was there anything uncomfortable?
- Do you want to do this again?
Be honest. This is when jealousy or insecurities often surface. Better to address them now than let them fester.
We had our biggest fight after our first threesome. I (Emma) felt jealous about a moment Jake shared with our third. We talked about it, cried a bit, and ultimately grew closer. That's what happens when you communicate.
The Check-In (With the Third)
Don't ghost them. Even if it was casual, they're a person who shared something intimate with you.
A simple message: "Hey, last night was really fun. Thanks for sharing that with us. Hope you got home safe."
If you want to see them again, say so. If you don't, be kind but clear.
Common Mistakes We Made (So You Don't Have To)
Drinking too much - Our first time, we were all pretty drunk. It lowered inhibitions but also coordination. 1-2 drinks is the sweet spot.
Not discussing boundaries clearly enough - We assumed things were understood that weren't. Now we're explicit about everything beforehand.
Neglecting aftercare - Early on, we rushed back to "normal" too quickly. Now we build in time for processing.
Expecting it to be like porn - It's not. It's three real humans fumbling around. And that's okay.
Final Thoughts
Your first threesome probably won't be perfect. Ours wasn't. But it opened up our relationship in ways we never expected—more communication, more trust, more honesty about our desires.
The key isn't finding the "perfect" experience. It's finding an experience where everyone feels respected, heard, and safe. Everything else is details.
Take your time. Talk more than you think you need to. And when you're ready, the 3soul community will be here.
Jake & Emma Chen have been practicing ethical non-monogamy for three years. They live in Los Angeles and contribute regularly to 3soul's community guides.