I've been the third. Multiple times. With different couples.
Some experiences were amazing. Genuine connections with people who treated me as an equal. We're still friends with some of them.
Others were... not. I was a prop. A fantasy fulfillment device. A warm body to add excitement to their relationship before being discarded.
The difference? The first group never called me a "unicorn."
What Even Is Unicorn Hunting?
Let's define it: A heterosexual couple (usually) seeking a bisexual woman to join them sexually, typically with the expectation that she'll be equally attracted to both partners, available on their schedule, drama-free, and either disappear after or integrate seamlessly into their existing relationship.
Why "unicorn"? Because this person basically doesn't exist. She's mythical.
The term itself is a red flag. It reduces a human being to a fantasy creature whose sole purpose is to fulfill the couple's desires.
Why It's Problematic
1. It Centers the Couple, Not the Person
In unicorn hunting dynamics, the third is expected to:
- Be attracted to both partners equally (regardless of actual chemistry)
- Respect the couple's rules, which they had no say in creating
- Not develop "too strong" feelings for either partner
- Be available when the couple wants, but not intrusive otherwise
- Not threaten the "primary" relationship in any way
Notice anything? Every expectation is about protecting the couple. The third's needs, boundaries, and desires are secondary at best.
2. Couple Privilege Is Real
"Couple privilege" means the inherent advantages the existing couple has over the third:
- They have established communication patterns
- They can overrule the third if they agree with each other
- They have a home, a history, a shared life
- If things go wrong, the third is the one who leaves
This isn't necessarily malicious. It's structural. But many couples don't even recognize it, which makes them blind to how they might be treating their third unfairly.
3. The Rules Are Usually One-Sided
Common "rules" from unicorn hunters:
- "She can only be with us together, never separately"
- "No sleeping over"
- "She can't date other people while seeing us"
- "Our relationship comes first, always"
These rules protect the couple from feeling threatened. They don't consider what the third wants or needs.
And often, the third doesn't feel empowered to negotiate. She's grateful to be "chosen" and doesn't want to seem difficult.
That power imbalance is a problem.
4. Bisexual Women Aren't Your Fantasy
There's something specifically gross about how unicorn hunting treats bisexual women.
The assumption is that bi women exist to service straight couples. That our sexuality is a fun bonus for them to enjoy. That we're down for anything because we like both.
It's fetishizing. And many bi women are exhausted by it.
5. It Often Falls Apart
Here's what usually happens:
The couple finds someone. They're excited. They have a threesome or start a triad. Then:
- One partner catches feelings, the other gets jealous
- The third develops stronger feelings for one partner
- The couple makes a unilateral decision and the third is dropped
- Someone crosses an undefined boundary and there's a blowup
The third almost always ends up hurt because she has the least power in the dynamic.
How to Tell If You're Unicorn Hunting
Be honest with yourself:
You might be unicorn hunting if:
- You use the word "unicorn" unironically
- You have a list of requirements the third must meet
- You made rules without her input
- You expect her to be equally into both of you regardless of chemistry
- You view her as adding to your relationship rather than having her own relationship with each of you
- You'd be uncomfortable if she dated one of you separately
- You haven't thought much about what she gets out of this
You're probably NOT unicorn hunting if:
- You view potential thirds as full people with their own desires
- You're open to different dynamics developing naturally
- You're willing to let her set boundaries and negotiate
- You've considered what happens if she develops feelings—and you're okay with it
- You see this as potentially three separate relationships, not just one couple + guest star
What To Do Instead
1. Stop Using the Word "Unicorn"
Seriously. Just stop. It immediately signals to experienced ENM folks that you haven't done the work.
She's a person. A third. A potential partner. A human being you want to connect with. Not a mythical creature.
2. Examine Your Couple Privilege
Before looking for anyone, have hard conversations:
- Are we willing to date her separately, or only together?
- What happens if she and I develop stronger feelings than she and my partner?
- Are we treating her as an equal partner or an accessory?
- Have we created rules that are really just about our insecurities?
The answers might be uncomfortable. That's the point.
3. Let Her Have Input
When you meet someone, don't present her with a pre-made rule book. Instead, ask:
- What are you looking for?
- What does an ideal dynamic look like for you?
- What boundaries do you need?
- What would make you feel valued and respected?
Then actually listen. And be willing to adjust.
4. Be Okay With Asymmetry
The fantasy is that she'll fall equally in love with both of you. The reality is that chemistry is unpredictable.
Maybe she clicks more with one partner. Maybe the dynamic shifts over time. If you can't handle that possibility, you're not ready.
Some of my best experiences as a third were with couples who were totally fine that I had different relationships with each of them.
5. Treat Her Time as Valuable
She's not on call. She has her own life, schedule, and priorities.
Don't hit her up only when you're horny. Invite her to non-sexual things. Remember her birthday. Ask about her day. Treat her like... a person you actually care about.
6. Don't Make Unilateral Decisions
If you're going to end things, tell her directly. If something changes, include her in the conversation.
Nothing is worse than being dropped via text because the couple "talked and decided" without you.
7. Accept That She Might Walk Away
If she's not feeling it, she gets to leave. No guilt trips about how you're "a package deal." No pressure to stick around for the sake of the couple.
Her autonomy matters.
A Better Model: The Triad Mindset
Instead of "couple + third," think of it as three separate relationships:
- Partner A + Partner B (the existing couple)
- Partner A + The Third
- Partner B + The Third
Each relationship is valid. Each person's feelings matter. The dynamic isn't "us + her"—it's three people navigating something together.
This doesn't mean you have to commit to a full triad. But the mindset should be there from the start.
It Can Be Done Right
I don't want to discourage couples entirely. Some of my best ENM experiences have been with couples.
But they worked because:
- They treated me as an equal from day one
- They were open to whatever developed naturally
- They checked their couple privilege
- They communicated openly and included me in decisions
- They actually cared about my experience, not just theirs
That's not unicorn hunting. That's ethical non-monogamy.
To the Singles Out There
If you're a third (or thinking about it), know your worth.
You're not doing anyone a favor by letting them treat you as lesser. You deserve couples who:
- See you as a full person
- Value your time and feelings
- Include you in decisions
- Care about your pleasure, not just theirs
Good couples exist. Hold out for them.
And if someone's profile says "looking for our unicorn"? Swipe left.
Tessa Moreno is a writer and ENM educator based in Austin, TX. She's been practicing ethical non-monogamy for six years and writes about power dynamics, boundaries, and finding genuine connection in alternative relationships.