Let's cut the bullshit. You're in New York, you're curious about threesomes or ENM, and you want to know where to actually meet people. Not theoretical advice—real places, real events, real apps that work in this city.
I've been part of NYC's non-monogamy scene for six years. Here's what I've learned.
The Apps That Actually Work Here
Let's start with the obvious. Apps are how most people in NYC meet for everything—including this.
3soul is what I recommend for couples looking for a third or singles interested in joining couples. The interface treats everyone as equals (no "unicorn hunting" vibes), and the NYC user base is massive. I've had more meaningful connections here than anywhere else.
Feeld has a strong NYC presence too, though it skews younger and more casual.
OkCupid still works if you set your profile to non-monogamous. It's old school but the algorithm is solid.
Skip Tinder for this. The matching system isn't built for it, and you'll waste time explaining yourself.
Brooklyn: The Heart of It All
If you're serious about ENM in NYC, you need to spend time in Brooklyn.
Bushwick
This is ground zero. The warehouse party scene here has always been sexually progressive, and that hasn't changed. Look for events at:
- Nowadays (outdoor space, day parties, very queer-friendly)
- House of Yes (the obvious one—themed parties, performance art, very open atmosphere)
- Elsewhere (more music-focused but the rooftop attracts an open crowd)
The trick with Bushwick is that you can't just show up hoping to find a threesome. That's not how it works. You go, you dance, you meet people, you exchange Instagrams. The actual connection happens later.
Williamsburg
More gentrified but still has pockets of the old energy:
- The Gutter (dive bar, surprisingly good for meeting people)
- Kinfolk (coffee shop by day, wine bar by night—very "first date" energy)
Bed-Stuy & Crown Heights
These neighborhoods have seen an influx of young professionals who are very open about non-traditional relationships. The coffee shop culture here is strong. Sey Coffee and Café Rue Dix are both spots where I've met people who turned out to be in the scene.
Manhattan: Discreet & Upscale
Manhattan's ENM scene is different. More professional, more discreet, higher budget.
Members Clubs
There are private clubs in Manhattan that cater to this crowd. I can't name them directly (they'd kick me out), but they exist in Midtown and the Financial District. You typically need a referral or to apply.
If you're a professional who needs discretion, this is your route. Expect membership fees of $500-2000/year.
Hotel Bars
Sounds cliché but it works. The bars at The Standard, PUBLIC Hotel, and The NoMad (RIP but similar spots) attract a sophisticated crowd that's often traveling and open to experiences.
The key: go alone or as a couple, dress well, don't be weird about it. If someone's interested, they'll make it known.
Events & Parties
NYC has recurring events specifically for the ENM community:
Hacienda
Monthly-ish party that rotates venues. Very diverse crowd, excellent DJs, explicitly sex-positive but not a sex party. It's where you meet people, not where you play. Check their Instagram for dates.
Chemistry
More upscale, happens in loft spaces around Brooklyn. Verified guest list, dress code enforced. This is where couples meet thirds in a more intentional setting.
Submit (if you're kinky)
If your threesome interests overlap with BDSM, Submit and similar events happen regularly. Check FetLife for current schedules.
The Unwritten Rules
Some things I've learned the hard way:
Don't approach people at vanilla events with ENM intentions. Even in Brooklyn. Read the room. If it's not an explicitly open event, keep your approach subtle.
Couples: stop leading with "we're looking for a third." It's objectifying and everyone's heard it a million times. Just be humans first.
Singles: don't assume every couple wants you. The entitlement some people show up with is wild. You're not doing anyone a favor.
Everyone: verify before you meet. Video chat first. NYC is full of flakes, catfishers, and people who look nothing like their photos.
The Neighborhoods to Avoid
I'll probably get shit for this but here's the truth:
Murray Hill / Upper East Side: Too buttoned-up. People here are more likely to judge you than join you.
Midtown: Unless you're at a hotel bar, it's all tourists and office workers rushing to Penn Station.
Staten Island: I mean... maybe there's a scene there? I don't know anyone who's found it.
What Actually Works (My Personal Experience)
In six years, here's what's led to actual threesomes for me and my partner:
- 3soul app - Met our closest FWB here. She's now a dear friend.
- House of Yes - Not directly, but we met someone at a party who we later connected with on apps.
- Friend of a friend - The ENM community in NYC is smaller than you think. Once you're in, introductions happen naturally.
- Feeld - More casual hookups, less ongoing connections.
What hasn't worked:
- Cold approaching at bars (too random)
- Reddit/online forums (mostly fantasizers, not doers)
- Clubs in Manhattan (wrong crowd)
Final Thoughts
NYC is one of the best cities in the world for ethical non-monogamy. The community is large, diverse, and mostly chill. But you have to put in the work.
Download 3soul. Go to House of Yes. Be patient. Be respectful. Be honest about what you want.
The people you're looking for are looking for you too.
Maya Rodriguez is a 3soul community writer based in Brooklyn. She's been practicing ethical non-monogamy since 2020 and writes about navigating NYC's dating scene.